Broken Inside
by Kagome-reincarnation
Summary: This is a oneshot of Naruto's phases of life and how I think he views them. Rated to be on the safe side for gruesome content and some language.


Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me.

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Broken Inside

by: Kagome-reincarnation

I'm broken, you know. I've been broken since as far back as I can possibly remember. Sad words to start any kind of story, but it's true. I'm broken, and I don't even care. Does that make sense to you? I've tried over, and over and over again to be a real person- just to be real, and acknowledged. I've always known that it'd take a long time.

I don't think I can wait that long anymore. Too many people have denied my existence for so long now. So many people have cursed at me, trying to make themselves feel better. I just don't understand it! At least, I didn't think so back then. Back when I was just a kid, I mean. At the age of six, the other kids stayed away from me because their parents told them I was bad. That's how I got my bad reputation. Later in life, from about age ten to thirteen, I'd en up clowning about- trying to be loud- just so that they'd recognize me. Instead, while I was recognized, I was also destroyed. More than I ever was before.

I was an empty shell then. At that time, the only one who would ever see me was the mirror in my bathroom that I looked into everyday, wondering why I was here. When I was twelve, one of my teachers told me, in the cruelest of ways possible. I think he did it just to get back at Iruka-sensei. But that was OK. I'm used to being lied to.

When I was fourteen, I started to fill out more, losing baby fat and gaining more muscle. When I lost the baby fat- just before I started to gain actual muscle- I was jumped and used. I didn't cry. I'd vowed never to cry again after the incident with Sasuke and Haku.

They beat me when they were done. They tied me up and shoved me in a garbage bag and threw me in a dumpster. Sasuke was with them. He was the first one to violate me. I was shocked. I had honestly thought that the Uchiha heir wouldn't drop so low. I knew my eyes showed pain, so I closed them. I remembered all those rape stories in the news and all those advice givers on it, so I relaxed. When I opened my eyes again, I had done so at the shock of being thrust into so violently. There was no break. No time to adjust. But, then again, I wasn't really expecting any. I was being raped, afterall.

"Looks the bitch is liking this." one of them had sneered. I think he was the leader. He glanced towards Sasuke. "How do you feel? Knowing that we invited your teammate just for this event of the day?"

I flinched at the words, before hiding within myself. It hurt more than I could ever describe; emotionally and physically. Sasuke was raping me right there, in the middle of the street, and none of the people around us was going to help. Of course, if they did, I'd be surprised. I think something ripped inside of me. In both forms, physically and not. I was having my last barrier of protection from the outside world broken. I was raw when he finished, but he passed me on to someone else. It was the same procedure over and over again. I isolated my mind from my body. It was the only solution I could see. After all, if I were to protect myself, they'd lie and I'd just get into even more trouble.

When I'd gone around a couple of times, the leader forced himself down my throat and I gagged, reflexively. Then, I stopped. Sasuke was fucking me again. I think I angered the leader when I didn't do anything because he grabbed Sasuke and shoved him in front of me.

"You want me to hurt this bitch too?" he asked me, his face twisted into a snarl. I knew Sasuke wouldn't expect me to help him after what he'd done and his eyes were wide, even as his fingers started to move.

He wouldn't stand a chance with all the other members there.

I responded, feeling disgusted with myself. Then again, I was a toy. I was being broken, because they'd played with me for so long. They wanted a newer toy, and the only way to get one was to make this one better, or to break it. They had opted for the second one.

Later that night, when I escaped from the dumpster, I teleported myself home. I collapsed upon arrival, but I knew that it didn't matter anymore. I was broken. Only, I didn't know it then.  
All that night, thoughts kept going through my head, over and over and over again. Why did it have to happen to me? Of course, I still felt that I deserved it. After all, I was a toy, and they wouldn't punish a toy for something unless the toy had done something wrong, right?

I don't think I ever felt more alone at that time than I ever had before. I left my apartment- I couldn't stand the thuds from upstairs, and the whirring of my air conditioning. I knew I could turn it off, but then the people upstairs would still be doing whatever it was that they were doing.

I went to the park. It was quiet and safe, and I was there alone. I knew I could get jumped again, but I couldn't care about that because I felt like I was going to puke. I was sitting on swing sets- just like one of those old dramas- and I had started crying. Tears rolled down my face, warm and cold at the same time.

You know in all those sappy movies and crap how someone always comes? I knew that was shit, and I felt it was shit, but still. A small part of me wished someone would come find me and take me out of this undefeatable hell. I didn't care if it was through my own death, even. I just wanted some peace.

I jumped off the swing and headed for a bench and winced as I sat down. It was cold, but it would get warmer from my body heat. No one came for me that night, and I didn't expect anyone to even think of it. I just went home and the incident was forgotten in my mind and never mentioned again.

Then, three months later, I got sick. Not just a cold or anything but really, really sick. Tsunade-baachan was the only one who visited me and the only one who took care of me at that time. She was like the mother I never had. I guess the others were out on a mission, but a part of me decided that I would never trust anyone. I had already told myself, but now my body was enabling it. Tsunade-baachan, Iruka-sensei, and Ero-sennin were the only ones that I would trust other than Teuchi-san. No one else.

Six months after that, I turned fifteen, and my life was something of a routine again. I was loud and obnoxious, hiding my thoughts and pain, and all that other shit on missions with Sasuke and Sakura and Kakashi-sensei, and I came home. Most of the time, I didn't eat anything but ramen, but occasionally, I'd have something conventional like toast.

The year after that, I turned sixteen and became a chunnin. I also took the jounin exams that year and passed. The year after that, I became a special ninja- I could do what others could not. I was even better than Sasuke. I think that the only thing that set me apart from him was the lack of respect I had for my own life. He was more woried about his revenge on Itachi and all that crap. I had nothing holding me down.

Then, one day, it finally happened. I met Itachi on the road for one of my missions. I was with Sasuke, and the two of them kind of glared at each other. Sasuke was pissed as hell. He just kept on glaring at Itachi and Itachi and Kisame just kind of kept glaring back. At least, Itachi was. God, how childish. Kisame and I started to actually fight, though. I think we were pretty even and that was something, seeing that I didn't have Sharingan to be better than him or anything, and he had quite the advantage over me with his chakra-eating sword.

In the end, I asked him to come back sometime to spar with me. He looked at me like I was insane but agreed to it. Itachi had lashed out at Sasuke in the meantime, and I had to beat him soundly. I think he did some paralysis thing to my body with his eyes though, because he and Kisame got away. I took Sasuke back, and got blamed for everything.

Two months later, I found out what he had done to me. He had weakened my lungs and now they were giving out. That was OK. Not the way I had originally planned to go, but still OK.

Four years later, I was still alive and pissed as hell. Then, there was some sort of accident, and Sasuke was a part of it.

As expected, I went, worried, wondering how the hell the idiot had gotten into it.

It turned out to be a trap for me, and they used some sort of gas. I guess they were trying to do what they had done to me when I was fourteen, but my lungs gave out and I collapsed.

I was in a coma for over ten years. On the twelfth year, I woke up. I was thirty-two years old, and I hadn't even lived twelve years of my life.

When, I left, I saw a scuffle. Being who I was, I got involved. Back to the hospital I go. Tsunade-baachan was pissed as a hornet. She kept frowning and screaming at me on intervals. I'm thirty-four now, and I'm on a cliff, surveying my work on building a town.

It was wonderful. And yet, the dark abyss of the unknown is calling to me.

I want everything to end. I just want it all to be over and done with! All the pain… All the hate…. Every thing that's ever been directed to me was cold and wretched.

So, I fell. My bones shattered, and my blood splattered. My flesh ripped, and pain screaming in every part of my body for that one agonizing smile. And through it, to the very end, my lips twitched upwards.

And my body lied at the bottom for someone to find, just as broken as my mind was, and with a smile on my face.

That is, if anyone came looking.

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AN: OK, that was a little depressing, and it didn't fit in with the actual story at all, but I needed to get some form of emotion out. I know, I know. It's pathetic, and I'm sorry, but do you mind leaving some reviews or whatever? I still have to better my writing.


End file.
